"Now let your
Psalm 119:76 (NLT) comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant."
There was a teenage girl who seemed to have her life all together. She had many friends, excelled in school, was kind to others, and made her mom very proud. On the outside, this girl's life seemed amazing. The inside revealed a much different story.
I am this girl. I know that looks can be deceiving.
When I was 7, a neighbor sexually molested me. When I was 8, I witnessed my grandfather falling out of his beloved rocking chair, the victim of a stroke. At age 10, my dad went on a business trip, and never returned. My parents were getting a divorce. My world seemed to get worse by the year. What would happen next?
Tired of my heartache and circumstances, I decided to ask Christ into my life - only to be disappointed. Why did I still feel guilty and dirty (sexual abuse), disappointed and scared (my grandfather's stroke), unworthy and empty (my family was broken)? Was it too much to ask for someone to love me?
Jesus, if you won't fix my life, I'll do it myself. I proclaimed.
I was able to satisfy the people in my life through my achievements, but on the inside I was a wreck. My heart was still empty and aching. The outer me didn't seem to satisfy the longing in my heart, so I tried other, more destructive ways.
I gave into the temptation to feel loved and accepted by another person. While on an un-chaperoned beach trip, I crawled into bed with another searching-for-love soul. We were two people looking to feel complete -- but looking in the wrong places. This was a friend of mine, someone who loved and cared about me. That made it okay, right?
I had dreamed of what my first time would be like. My plans had been to save myself for marriage. I had visions of my groom carrying me into our beautiful honeymoon suite and there two would become one. Instead of a honeymoon suite, I was in a run down motel room. Instead of my groom, I was with a lost high school boy. I cried. What had I just done?
A friend picked me up the next morning and we drove home. I don't think I spoke the whole time. Growing inside of me were the bitter seeds of guilt, shame, disgust with myself, and the familiar emptiness.
After years of continuing to try to fill the emptiness in my heart with all the wrong things, I realized the truth. Jesus was there. He had been in my heart since the day I invited Him in. He was waiting and watching over me. I had to learn the hard way that He was the only One that could fill my heart completely.
I'm much older now. I'm far from perfect, but I've learned that there is nothing in this world that can satisfy the desires of my heart. Believe me, if it were available for purchase, I would've bought it. If it came from good looks and pretty clothes, I could've had that too. Or if it came from a human relationship, my heart would not hurt. But none of these things can do what Jesus does.
Do not be fooled by the promises of this world; believe the promises of God's Word. You are His precious child. He loves you. He desires a relationship with you no matter what has happened to you or what you've done. Trust and give Him the chance to be the One who fills your heart with love.
Dear Lord, I don't even have to ask to You to love me, because You already do. Oh God, please remind me often of how much You love me and help me not to give into what the world is offering me to make me feel better. In Jesus' Name, Amen.